fuck a resolution

i’m a hefty girl, and i’m not gonna front about wanting to lose weight. last year i lost half the weight i ultimately want to drop, and feel better for it, and also feel fatter for it in that “god i’ve worked so hard and have so far still to go” way. this life, and your perception of it, seem strangely geared toward making you feel dissatisfied with yourself no matter what you do or how you do it.

i outweigh the guy i’m seeing. i probably will even when i hit goal, because my body is predisposed to curviness—for an asian, i have wack amounts of t&a (thanks to mom for the latter, and…dad(?) for the former). this is something i’m insecure about, and something i haven’t broached with him because i’m not fucking dumb enough to dump all my crazy on a dude at once.

my fat has never obscured my level of foxy. i’ve always been a pretty girl, and i’ve always known it. show me a babe who’s unaware of her babe status and i’ll show you a fucking master of lies. my reasons for losing weight have so little to do with my appearance that trying on that motivator feels bizarre to the point of alternate reality. don’t get me wrong, i want to feel comfortable in my skin and work my steez, but i mostly want to be strong and healthy with as little weighing me down in my short bittersweet as possible.

i follow a lot of weight loss blogs, because they serve as a constant reminder of where i am right now in my body wars, but they make me forget that people are fucking monstrously attractive regardless of whether they’re technically overweight or social misfits or whatever the fuck oddity you can come up with. everyone you meet has the potential to become beautiful to you. everyone has the potential to be fucking unbelievably breathtaking. even with 20, 30 more pounds to my frame, i had game for days, and a lot of it was my face, but i think that a lot of it was also because i liked myself and i liked my life. i enjoyed myself and that made me attractive.

i’m not even content these days; some nights i pick on myself and point out everything awful in me. but you can count on the fact that i’m doing my damnedest to get back to where i know i’m doing the best at doing me.

this isn’t going where i thought it would go, and i’m tipsy per usual so i don’t want to access the awareness to go back and outline and edit and rip my brains out over some tumblr shit. i just wanted to sort out that having goals is worthwhile, and having confidence is worthwhile, and feeling worthy of yourself and your life is damn good if you can get it.

and if you can get it, get it. and you can get it. so get it. and it’s not always a matter of changing yourself, like i’m working on right now outwardly, but it’s always a matter of recognizing your talents and charms and working those areas where you’re strongest and knowing that what you’re putting out there every day while walking this life is a goddamn treasure regardless of how different you are from your perception of ideal.

short edition: be the best fucking version of yourself you can be.